Month 9

August was a world wind of a month with a lot of big changes in my life.  When life gets stressful you just never know how your body is going to react when it comes to weigh loss.  Thankfully I stayed right on track and lost a total of 9.2 lbs for a grand total of 119.7 lbs total loss. 

(Month 9/Month 8, hard to tell with the shirt I am wearing!)

I am on track to hit my goal weight by my year mark which is still hard for me to wrap my mind around. 

(my co-worker got this for me and it made me laugh)

In a couple weeks I go in for my 9 month follow up apt so I will see what they have to say but overall I am feeling amazing and working hard to still eat right and exercise.      

I have started to run this month by using the couch to 5K app.  After a lot of thought I decided to cancel my gym membership and start running instead to save money.  I also have ISP’s gym I can work out in including a pool to swim in, best part it is free.  For my runs I go 3 times a week right now.  I am slow but still faster than I was last time I tried to run and I have already started to show improvement which is such a good feeling! 

I am loving running on country roads and have decided they beat running in a neighborhood hands down.  There is little to no traffic and it is a nice open stretch so you can pick a point in the distance and push yourself to it.  I love running by all the fields, horses, cow, and a couple of funny llamas. 

I did have a random dog come running at me one day and nip at the back of my pants but thankfully didn’t bite me and I haven’t seen it since.  I am not in love with running and always have to talk myself into getting out there and doing it.  But once I am into my run I do like how I can clear my head and, while I am trying to not die, I do enjoy being outside and moving.  I also like the feeling I have afterwards of knowing how I pushed myself and feeling proud of it. 

Both of my knees are starting to feel it and the last two days I have had swelling on my right knee so I am being careful and watching them.  The last thing I want to do is get hurt and not be able to run at all.  I am hoping they will adjust and be ok, if not I might need to talk to my cousin who is an orthopedic surgeon and see what he thinks. 

Being down this much weight in only 9 months is mentally challenging at times.   I am struggling some with how I see myself and I doubt myself more than I should (also the stress of life and all the changes has not helped).  My mind still thinks of me as a fat, ugly girl who can’t do anything (my weight was really starting to hold me back from doing so many things!).  When I look in the mirror at times I love what I see, other times I see how far I have to go and all the flaws that are a part of me.  I had a friend’s wedding this month and I bought a really cute dress.  When I put it on I really liked how it fit me. 

Then I walked out and saw my friend who look gorgeous and the voices in my head started tell me how I would never look beautiful and sexy like her no matter what I did.  It was dumb.  I know it was.  It pisses me off that I even listen to the voices and it wasn't far to me or to her.  Sometimes it is really, really hard to change how you see yourself.  I let the voice get the best of me that night and while I really did have fun I got into my head and as a result was very quiet the whole night. 

(Love this group of people, they love me flaws and all!!)

I have another friend’s wedding coming up in a couple weeks and I am detrained to not let that happen again! 

(On a positive note I did have that guy I like tell me more than once how beautiful he thinks I am and I could tell by the look in his eyes he truly meant it.  For once in a LONG time too I felt beautiful.)

This month I have been working graves for the most part and so that is making me bring my food again to work which is good.  

I still might stop on the way into work and get a bite to eat but for the most part most of the food I am bringing with me.  I have also set a goal to cook at least one dinner at home for the 3 of us.  It has been fun to cook for people again!  I am still not tracking my food but feeling like I am getting enough in every day.  My favorite snack this month has been cheese, LOVE cheese!!  Oh and fresh honey, so amazing!!

 With my running, balancing food and water can be a little tricky.  I need to get my water in right after my run but it takes me a good 45 mins or so to drink enough.  By the time I am done drinking I feel zapped on energy or shaky since I just burned all my fuel.  If I try and eat too soon after drinking I feel sick.  It is a learning process but I am getting there!  I am still letting myself have treats (in moderation) and went with Jen to get shave ice, it was amazing!!! 

Once I am full though I don’t push it and so I do something I hate doing and I toss the rest of what I can’t eat (unless of course it is something I can take with me)  Even ordering the kid size of things I find I can’t eat all of it.  Learning to be ok with that is still taking time.  I also worry that people are going to think I don’t like what they made for me, I hate that!

When all is said and done this journey may be bumpy and challenging, especially on my own, but it has SO been worth it.   I am growing more as a person then I ever saw myself doing and I can’t wait to see what my future holds.