Crash

There are moments in life where an incident happens and it shakes you to the core.  You are quickly reminded that nothing in this life is guaranteed and in mere second's everything can change.  I am only 35 and yet I have already attended more funerals then I can remember.  I have been in the 911 type field for over 15 years now.  I have seen, witness, and heard as strangers lives are turned upside down.  The amount of crashes we handle in dispatch is constant to the point it just becomes the norm and yet it is one of the worst days for those who crash.  At the same time working in the Law Enforcement field I am very well aware the dangers my Trooper face.  You try to not dwell on it because it will drive you to the point of a nervous breakdown while at the same time keeping it in the back of your mind so you are prepared when the worst happens.  It is a delicate balance and at times it can be exhausting.  I have two friends who have been shot while on duty.  One carries the bullet still in his leg while the other one is paralyzed from mid chest down.  I have heard my Troopers yelling for help when a suspect is on the attack or they are in a foot chase.  This weekend alone I had one of my Troopers scream into the radio for a code 3 as he was attacked by a very angry person.  A code 3 means they need help NOW as they feel their very life is in danger.  Everyone responds lights and sirens and once they arrive on scene it is as if time stops until dispatch is advised everyone is ok.   

 

Its screams like that from Troopers I know and love that stick with me and often haunt my dreams.  Thankfully that Trooper is ok and two suspects were taken to jail.   What I worry about most though is one of my Troopers getting hit by a car or in a horrific crash.   48 officers have been killed this year alone in the US from auto related incidents, this isn't counting the number who have been hurt which is a LARGE amount!  I have worked when Troopers have to dive out of the way of a speed car or were purposely run over.  I have worked when Troopers have been in crashes where they have rolled or been hit by another vehicle.  Working on the highway is extremely dangerous as you are dealing with high speeds and inattentive drivers.  After the incident with my Trooper needing the code 3 I couldn't shake a nagging bad feeling, like something else was going to happen.  I tried to shake it off thinking I was being crazy as it has been yet another rough week for Law Enforcement with 10 officers killed in only 9 days and that is all I seem to see on Facebook (that and the stupid elections).  One of my favorite things to do in the mornings right now is talking to one of my Troopers, Trooper Crapo, who has quickly become a good friend (she even teaches CPR with me now). 

 

 

She comes in at 5am so we have an hour were we get to work together before I go home.  She is always making me laugh and I look forward to 5am just because of her.  We even text on days off to share fun stories or just catch up.  When she checked in Sunday morning that feeling came back hard and strong.  By the time I got home I sent her a message to be safe and to take pictures of the Christmas tree for me since she was assigned to help escorted the National Christmas tree down SH55.   After that I fell asleep only to wake up hours latter to my phone going crazy.   Crapo had been in a crash and it was bad.  My heart stopped and my mind raced.  I was hearing things like she had to be taken my Life Flight, she might have broken her back and her arms, and may have hurt her head.  I learned a large pickup truck pulling a trailer came around a corner too fast crossing the line and hitting Crapo head on and on the driver's side.   I started to get text messages of her car that churned my stomach. 

 

 

I broke down crying not knowing what to do.  I thought about going to the hospital but was told by multiple Troopers to wait.  I broke down.  I cried harder than I have in a long time and felt hopeless.  Finally one of my Troopers sent me a text that not only was she going to be ok but that they were already going to let her go home.  She was sore but only had sprains and a badly bruised body.  One of the wives who was at the hospital advised that she was in good spirits and tough as nails.  The relief that flooded over me was instant while at the same time it broke me down into more sobbing mess.  My poor puppies didn't know what to so they just curled up with me and stayed by my side.  I felt very alone that whole afternoon, and am so thankful for my dogs who gave me what comfort they could.  I was emotionally and physically drained but still had to pull myself together to go to work.  At work my sup wanted to let me know how good of a job I did on the code 3 call and I broke down crying all over again as I was utterly exhausted.  Today I heard from Crapo and I couldn't help but smile when I saw her name pop up on my phone.  I know she was being watched over and I am so thankful she will be ok.  Tell those you love how much you love them, don’t wait!  Cherish the time you get to spend with people you love and make wonderful memories that you can hold onto.   And take pictures, lots and lots of pictures.  J            

Surgery

Growing up I always felt bigger than my siblings but in all honestly I was never a big kid or teen.  I was active growing up and my family rarely ate out.  Soda wasn’t usually in the house and my parents where good at keep the junk food to a minimum.  Once I moved out on my own I stayed active but started to eat out more and didn’t really watch what I ate. 

 

 

Then I hurt my knee.  I don’t know what it was about hurting my knee but I went from wanting to get in shape for firefighting to a more relaxed attitude.  Slowly I started to gain weight.  I knew I was getting heavier but it wasn’t until I started to grow out of my EMT uniform that I started to worry.

 

Through the years I started to get gym memberships, pay for personal trainers, go on diets, lose some weight and then find myself frustrated because the scale wouldn’t move and I would quite.  When I got married I marred someone who didn’t like being active.  His idea of a perfect weekend was to sit in front of a TV and stay at home.  He was an amazing cook but we also ate out a TON.  I then started fertility meds to try and start a family and the weight just kept going up. 

 

I tried weight watchers, more trainers, more gyms, and tried to start the couch potato to 5K program more than ones.   Thanks to my PCOS and crazy hormones I was fighting a losing battle.  Every time I would get frustrated and stop I would gain back everything I lost plus some.  I remember feeling total frustration when my now ex quite soda and dropped over 10 lbs, me, well I gained 3.  It wasn’t fair.  Then my ex left me and any self esteem I had was gone.  But I kept trying.  I was sure if I could just loose the weight I would feel like my old self again.  I started to get more active and by doing so found myself and now I really love who I am becoming again.  The only problem, my body didn’t get the memo and instead of losing weight it just kept gaining. 

 

I am officially the heaviest I have ever been coming in right around 280 lbs.  I am very well aware of my weight and never feel like I look good in anything I wear.  Most pictures where my gut shows I either crop or delete. 

 

I have had more kids tell me how fat I am in the past 6 months than ever before including my 3 year old niece tonight at dinner.  As she told me her looked at me very seriously and told me she didn’t like big tummies.  It stung, it always does.  When I see people I haven’t seen in years I can see them looking me up and down and I feel embarrassed, fat, and ugly.  I just want to hide, I want to cry, and I want to scream.  Sometimes I don’t even want to be.  If I walk up a flight of stairs I get winded.  It doesn’t take much for me to get flushed in the face or start sweating as I am always hot.  If I go on walks in the wrong pants I get “chub rub” on the inside my thighs, which hurts and stings for days after.  Being this overweight just hurts.  My back aches, my knees feel tight, sometimes I swear I am going to step wrong and snap my ankle.  People treat you different too.  And dating, well no one really wants to date the fat girl.  It drives me crazy how everyone seems to know how to make me loose the weight, even though I know everyone means well.  No one really understands the true struggle of it all unless you have been in the shoes of someone who is truly overweight.  I promise you when I say it is completely different to lose the freshman 15 or the extra holiday weight then it is to lose a large amount of weight and to keep it off. 

 

In the last few years I have been told my heart is now starting to stress due to my weight.  That scares me more than anything.  The last thing I want to do is become a burden to my family and friends because of poor health.  This past summer my Dr heard a mummer.  Right now it isn’t anything they feel they need to jump on but for me it caused additional stress.  Then she brought up gastric sleeve surgery and how she thought I would be a great candidate for it.  Surgery was something I hadn’t really thought about it.  To me it seemed like almost a lazy way out and I thought that all you were doing was starving yourself. I wasn’t so sure but I started to look into it more.  I talked to my friend who did it last year and has been really happy with her results.  I talked to family and friends.  I read articles on it.  I went to a class on it.  And I decided it was the best step for me; trust me when I say it isn’t the easy way out.  Overall it is just a tool and a lot of it will still depend on what I do it I want to keep the weight off.  It is major surgery and I will have to spend 2 days in the hospital after.  I will have to really change the way I eat and how I see food.  But it will help me not feel hungry and loose a large amount of my excess weight.  It is shown to have least a 40% improvement with amount of headaches I get, improve or even completely resolve my metabolic syndrome, improve or completely resolve my PCOS, and many more benefits.  Most of which are not resolved by diet along (which is why it is so hard for me to lose weight and then why I gain it back plus more).  I am having my surgery Nov 29th.  I will have 6 weeks off work while I recover and learn what I can eat.  I am excited and scared all at once.  Surgery always terrifies me and I always get super sick after.  I am going to miss my having my mom around to check in on me and worry about putting people out.  But I am more than ready for this change!!  In 24 days my life is going to be very different, bring it!!                      

October!

October has been a good and crazy fast month.  It has always been one of my favorite months as I love the fall colors, falls storms, and Halloween! 

 

This year I feel like we have been extra luck with the amazing fall color that has stuck around for weeks!!  I have caught myself multiple times being in awe of the beauty around me. 

 

The weather has been perfect and often during the day while I am home I have a window open.  We have had a fun storms and I love the smell of the rain and the leaves that scatter the ground. 

 

Another plus about fall and Idaho is it is harvest session.  I had friend who grew up in Eastern Idaho and this year when she went for harvest she brought me back a box full of amazing Idaho potatoes!

 

I was also able to celebrate my “brothers” birthday with him and his family at the Farmstead.  We couldn’t have asked for better weather and I love all the fun fall activities they have there. 

 

I helped take fall pictures for my Katie and my sister.

 

 

I also had my friend Amy take fall pictures of me and my puppies with the help of my BFF Jenn. 

 

For Halloween my house was all decked out and I had my Halloween Scentsy warmers set up all over my house.

 



 

I even got booed this year!!!

 

 

I had to work all of Halloween weekend and had plenty of fun calls my officers went on.  On Halloween night we were able to dress up and so we all wore our Pj’s which was fun. 

 

 

I always love see all the kids and their costumes and it makes my night when my friends and family make it a point to swing by so I can see them. 

(Jenn brought me treats!)

 

And just like that October has come and gone!  Bring on the holidays!