Month 9

August was a world wind of a month with a lot of big changes in my life.  When life gets stressful you just never know how your body is going to react when it comes to weigh loss.  Thankfully I stayed right on track and lost a total of 9.2 lbs for a grand total of 119.7 lbs total loss. 

(Month 9/Month 8, hard to tell with the shirt I am wearing!)

I am on track to hit my goal weight by my year mark which is still hard for me to wrap my mind around. 

(my co-worker got this for me and it made me laugh)

In a couple weeks I go in for my 9 month follow up apt so I will see what they have to say but overall I am feeling amazing and working hard to still eat right and exercise.      

I have started to run this month by using the couch to 5K app.  After a lot of thought I decided to cancel my gym membership and start running instead to save money.  I also have ISP’s gym I can work out in including a pool to swim in, best part it is free.  For my runs I go 3 times a week right now.  I am slow but still faster than I was last time I tried to run and I have already started to show improvement which is such a good feeling! 

I am loving running on country roads and have decided they beat running in a neighborhood hands down.  There is little to no traffic and it is a nice open stretch so you can pick a point in the distance and push yourself to it.  I love running by all the fields, horses, cow, and a couple of funny llamas. 

I did have a random dog come running at me one day and nip at the back of my pants but thankfully didn’t bite me and I haven’t seen it since.  I am not in love with running and always have to talk myself into getting out there and doing it.  But once I am into my run I do like how I can clear my head and, while I am trying to not die, I do enjoy being outside and moving.  I also like the feeling I have afterwards of knowing how I pushed myself and feeling proud of it. 

Both of my knees are starting to feel it and the last two days I have had swelling on my right knee so I am being careful and watching them.  The last thing I want to do is get hurt and not be able to run at all.  I am hoping they will adjust and be ok, if not I might need to talk to my cousin who is an orthopedic surgeon and see what he thinks. 

Being down this much weight in only 9 months is mentally challenging at times.   I am struggling some with how I see myself and I doubt myself more than I should (also the stress of life and all the changes has not helped).  My mind still thinks of me as a fat, ugly girl who can’t do anything (my weight was really starting to hold me back from doing so many things!).  When I look in the mirror at times I love what I see, other times I see how far I have to go and all the flaws that are a part of me.  I had a friend’s wedding this month and I bought a really cute dress.  When I put it on I really liked how it fit me. 

Then I walked out and saw my friend who look gorgeous and the voices in my head started tell me how I would never look beautiful and sexy like her no matter what I did.  It was dumb.  I know it was.  It pisses me off that I even listen to the voices and it wasn't far to me or to her.  Sometimes it is really, really hard to change how you see yourself.  I let the voice get the best of me that night and while I really did have fun I got into my head and as a result was very quiet the whole night. 

(Love this group of people, they love me flaws and all!!)

I have another friend’s wedding coming up in a couple weeks and I am detrained to not let that happen again! 

(On a positive note I did have that guy I like tell me more than once how beautiful he thinks I am and I could tell by the look in his eyes he truly meant it.  For once in a LONG time too I felt beautiful.)

This month I have been working graves for the most part and so that is making me bring my food again to work which is good.  

I still might stop on the way into work and get a bite to eat but for the most part most of the food I am bringing with me.  I have also set a goal to cook at least one dinner at home for the 3 of us.  It has been fun to cook for people again!  I am still not tracking my food but feeling like I am getting enough in every day.  My favorite snack this month has been cheese, LOVE cheese!!  Oh and fresh honey, so amazing!!

 With my running, balancing food and water can be a little tricky.  I need to get my water in right after my run but it takes me a good 45 mins or so to drink enough.  By the time I am done drinking I feel zapped on energy or shaky since I just burned all my fuel.  If I try and eat too soon after drinking I feel sick.  It is a learning process but I am getting there!  I am still letting myself have treats (in moderation) and went with Jen to get shave ice, it was amazing!!! 

Once I am full though I don’t push it and so I do something I hate doing and I toss the rest of what I can’t eat (unless of course it is something I can take with me)  Even ordering the kid size of things I find I can’t eat all of it.  Learning to be ok with that is still taking time.  I also worry that people are going to think I don’t like what they made for me, I hate that!

When all is said and done this journey may be bumpy and challenging, especially on my own, but it has SO been worth it.   I am growing more as a person then I ever saw myself doing and I can’t wait to see what my future holds. 

       

           

D-Day

Yesterday marked 6 years since I have been divorced.  That means I have been single longer then I was married (I was married 5 years to the day).  It’s crazy looking back on the last 6 years and comparing who I was then to who I am now.  And while I feel I am doing well at rocking the single life I am SOOO over it.  I hate being single and while there were many parts of my marriage that I loathed (such as a husband who couldn’t not stay faithful) there were many parts of marriage I loved and miss.  That being said I know that waiting for the right guy will be worth it in the end so I am trying to be patient lol.  Nights can still be tough for me.  During the day I do well at keeping busy and doing things with friends.  At night when I am lying in bed by myself I feel the full weight of being along….. at times that weight is crushing.   My demons at times come out and whisper in my ear all my faults and flaws.  I miss being held after a long day.  I miss human touch.  Now there is a guy I really like, he has had my heart for a few months now.   I don’t know what the future holds for us but no matter what I know my heart can love again.  I am very hopeful things with work out but for now time will tell.

 

Every year on DDay (divorce day) I make sure do something fun.  This year I bought front row tickets to the Piano Guys (spent more than I should have but it was my Christmas gift to myself).  My plans for the concert were almost destroyed by the dang eclipse that caused a no time off block at work and all hands on deck for that full weekend.  Thankfully I was able to take that night off and I am so glad I did!  Before the concert I treated myself to a little shopping.  I have needed to get new bras and jeans thanks to the weight loss.  For the first time in a LONG time I am starting to like shopping for myself, it is kind of crazy and fun all at the same time.  After I went over to the West and got in some much needed West family time.

After it was time to meet up with Jen!!  We went to a really good Hawaiian place for dinner in Nampa, I wish my stomach could hold more because it was sooo good!  After we headed to the concert.  It was amazing!!   It was held outside and the weather was just perfect. 

Their music has a way of wrapping around you and it speaks right to your heart.  The Piano Guys themselves are entertaining and made us laugh the whole night. 

They only have one song that has words to it and it was perfect for everything I have been going through.  Here are the words to the song.

 

Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head

I try to turn it down, but I can’t quite drown it out    

I’m tortured everyday, these never ending worries, pulling on my sleeves

 

So many times now I was supposed to tap out

All the walls would fall down around me

All anybody would tell me, is all that bad news how it’s gonna fall through

But no matter what they say or what they say

Its going to be, gonna be ok

 

And there is a battle ranging in your heart

But you must win

Its come for all of us, saying we are not enough.

So fight for your life, the words gonna try to sell you some lie.

 

No matter what you’ve been through here you are.

No matter if you think you’ve falling apart

Its gonna be, gonna be okay.

 

 

The end of my concert they played two of my favorite songs.  The first was A Thousand Years.  If I get married again I would love to have their version of that song as part of my wedding.  As they were playing people started to light up the phones and it was just breathtaking. 

The second song is Fight Song/Amazing Grace.  In the video they have they have a really amazing version with bagpipes.  Being part of the Law Enforcement Family hearing bagpipes playing amazing grace just holds a special place.  I have always said it would be amazing for them to have police or fire bagpipes play with them at their concerts. 

Last night they did just that!!  When I say the bagpipes step on stage about halfway through the song tears sprang to my eyes.  It was breathtaking and made my heart just swell.  Just thinking about it again brings tears to my eyes.  It hands down was the best part of the night for me. 

 

I am so thankful that I was able to spend the evening with Jen.  She has been by my side through everything and is truly my best friend.  I don’t know what I would do without her and thank God every day for her.  Can't wait to see what this next year brings for me and no matter what I know this girl will be there by myside through it all. 

Thor

Life is full of ups and downs reminding me of an endless roller-coaster.  Some of the twist and turns you can see coming.  Others appear out of nowhere and knock you for a loop.  When I brought Thor home 2 years ago I never would have guessed I would be finding him a new home just down the road. 

Then again I never thought my life would be taking so many twist and turns that would leave me looking for a new home for myself either.  There are many reasons why I ended up in Twin Falls hugging Thor with tears streaming down my face as I said good-bye, in the end though the only thing that mattered to me was that he went to someone who would love him as much as I did. 

Finding Thor a new home was anything but easy.  Home after home kept falling through for one reason or another.  It kept me up at night and tore at my heart.  Finally this home came through and just when I needed it too.   It was a 17 year old girl who contact me and since she lives in Lewisville, north of Idaho Falls, we decided to meet up in Twin Falls.  She was looking for a best friend and had a good feeling about Thor.  The ride there I poured out my heart to Thor and let him know how sorry I was and how much I loved him.  When we got to Twin Falls I found out they were stuck in traffic and running late so Thor and I went for a walk and just enjoyed the time we had together.  

I don’t know how much dogs understand but I do know that he knew something was up.  When the girl and her mother showed up Thor seemed to really like the girl which was a great sign as he had been extra clingy and protective of me lately.  The meet and great between the two went really well and they decided he was the dog for them.  I helped them load up her car with all his belongings.  Then it was time to load up Thor which was one of the top ten hardest things I have ever had to do.  Giving him one last hug, I kissed him on top of his head and let the tears I had been fighting so hard poured out of me.  As they drove away I sat in my car and allowed the flood of emotion to pour out of me.  When I felt ready I drove home, most of the way tears still trickled down my face.  I have gotten a few updates since and Thor seems to be doing really well.  I hope and pray he is happy.  He may be just a dog, but to me he was more.  Thankfully I am able to keep Molly and my friend’s place I moved into has two dogs of their own so I am surrounded by lots of dogs to love.  I will miss Thor and am thankful for the time we did have together.  He taught me so much, but more than anything he loved me and I loved him.         

*****



Right after I wrote this blog I got a text from Thor’s new mom with a couple pictures, he is looking so happy and was just what I needed! 



Month 8

Month 8 was a crazy, hectic, stressful, and fun month all rolled up into one.  For month 8 I lost a total of 9.5 lbs which puts me in at 171.5 lbs.  I am really happy with that number and it is crazy to think my goal weight is now 26-36 more lbs to loose!  I am still on schedule to hit my goal around mid December.  It is such an amazing feeling to feel like that is a goal I can hit!  Food wise I am still trying to be good but have really let up on how restricted I am. 

I don’t know if that is good or bad.  I still at least think about what I am eating and do try to eat right but if I am in a hurry I don’t always make the smart choice.  Example of this is every Monday after horse riding I stop at Sonic for a hot dog.  It is cheap and fast and I have always really like hot dogs.  It isn’t the smartest choice but it does have protein with is a plus and as soon as I feel full I stop so I never eat the whole thing.  With me moving I have been eating out more.  The plus is now I live out in the country and so I have to plan my meals a lot better which will be a good way to help get me back on track and eating right. 

Activity wise I am doing really well.  I do my horse riding/lessons/therapy every Monday with my friend who is really helping me to build up my ridding muscles. 

I love how more confident I am feeling with my ridding too and it is becoming one of my favorite times of the week.  I am even starting to get some definition in my calves which is really fun! 

Tuesdays I also did really good meeting up with my trainer at the gym and getting a good workout in.  I like Travis and he has been good, but I do miss my girl I was training with.  Now that I live so far out I am trying to figure out what to do with my training sessions that are left.  It is a LONG drive for just a half hour session.  The last two weeks of July I really stayed busy with packing and getting ready to move.  I moved a lot of the small stuff on my own and it was a good workout.  I have to say I was kind of proud of myself with how much I ended up being able to do on my own. 

Stress wise I am maxed out.  Work has been tough and I don’t mesh well with my sup.  Her comments to me really stung a few weeks back when she told me I was a poison to dispatch (yes those were her words).  I came so close to quitting right then and there.  I am glad I didn’t but I have a lot to think about. 

People I trusted and thought were my friends in dispatch were a big part of my sup saying those words to me.  They took things I said and twisted them and told others.  Not going to lie it hurt.

Thankfully soon after I had 2 weeks off of work and it was so nice to get away from the drama of work.  I also had some amazing support from some really good, true friends who helped me to feel like I matter and am loved.  I also have so much personal stress going on such as moving and trying to find a home for Thor. 

Life has taken some big twist and turns the last few months and I am physically and emotionally drained.  BUT I am finding out who I really want in my life and trying to learn and grown from all this.  When this hell lets up I know I am going to be stronger and better then I was going into it all. 

July while hard did have a lot of good times.  I was able to go to the rodeo 3 different nights and all with good friends. 

I went on a date with someone who my friend set me up with and while I hate first dates it ended up being really fun.   I finally made it on the river and the weather was perfect!!  It was such a fun morning and I loved every second of it! 

I was able to go to another of Ava’s swimming lessons and hang out with my West family. 

And while the move was hard I love being out in the country. I also love the people I am staying with and they have made me feel so loved and at home. 

So when I say month 8 was a rollercoaster, it was that and so much more!  Through it all though I kept moving forward and because of that I have a lot to be happy about.  Bring on month 9!