Change of Heart

I am not sure where to even start this blog because it involves a 2 year journey, one that I kept very private from most people, including my own family for a time.  These blogs are also the closest thing I have to a journal so I want to make sure I remember the path that led me to this step in my life.  But to start with I think we have to go back to the very beginning, and I mean all the way back.  This could be a long blog!  I was born and raised in the LDS church.  I was baptized on June 4^th, 1989, right after I turned 8 years old.  I went to church every Sunday, well unless I was sick or we were on vacation (which even then we often found a ward to go to).  As a kid I went to primary activity days, as a teenager I attended all my Young Women’s activates including girls camp every summer, completed my personal progress goals, and attending outdoor EFY 3 years in a row.  

During my high school years I went to seminary all 4 years.  In other words I was a faithful Mormon girl through and through.  I started to struggle with church in my late teens.  I wasn’t a fan of my ward and often felt like that odd man out.  To help my parents let me start going to my friend’s ward which I loved.  After high school my faith became very shaky.  I started to pull away and became increasingly frustrated with what I call Sunday Mormons.  My world came crashing down when I lost my lifelong / best friend/first person I feel in love with, John, to cancer.  

Shortly after that my parents were divorced and the missionary I was waiting for came home and basically told me I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.  Before I knew it I had stopped going to church all together.  I would become angry if people called me a Mormon and I wanted nothing to do with church.  If people asked, I would tell them no, or let them know my family was but I was not.  I became frustrated with religion as a whole; I hated nothing more than how hypocritical “church goers” could be.  I tried to be as supportive as I could be to my family, but it was hard.  I would get so stressed about stepping foot inside a church that I would shake the whole drive there.  I wasn’t allowed to go to my sisters, 2 of my brothers, both of my parents (and their new spouses), and 2 of my step siblings weddings because they were held inside the LDS temple.  

I felt left out at Sunday dinners with my family because so much of it was about church.   All the while I never lost my belief in God and life after death, however I didn’t feel religion was needed.  I believed that as long as I was a good person I would be ok.  

I never felt like I was missing out and I never missed any part of church.  I was happy and comfortable with how I was living my life.  Sure it had its up and downs but what life doesn’t! 

2 years ago that all changed.  My family had finally backed down from trying to get me to come back to church which was a relief.  End of November 2013 I attended my nieces baby blessing, it was incredibly hard for me to step foot inside the church and I was stressed to the point of being sick.    Around January 2014 I had told the bishop of my ward (they always knew where I was living thanks to my Mom) to leave me alone, that I was angry, and I was close to having my name pulled from the records of the church all together (only reason I had not done that yet was I didn’t want to hurt my family any more then I had already).  I wanted nothing to do with the LDS church and really did not have good feelings toward that bishop.  January and February are always hard on me as my friends Johns birthday is in January and the anniversary of his death is in February.  

For some reason that year it was incredibly hard.  I cried almost every night and prayed for comfort.  I prayed to know he was ok.  I prayed to know what to do with my life because I was so lost and so broken and more alone then I have ever felt.  On the anniversary of John’s death there was a knock on my door.  I opened it to find 2 sister missionaries outside my door.  My first thought was to laugh, and tell them thanks but no thanks.  But I was at a loss for words; it was the first time sisters had shown up at my door.  Usually it was always elders and so it was easy because by their rules they cannot enter a home if there is only a female present.  I also had to laugh because I felt like my friend John sent them to my door and so I let them in.  I don’t even think we talked about the LDS faith that night.  It was about my life and John.  I think I cried 98% of the time they were there.  Once they left I honestly never thought they would come back.  But they did.  Every week they came, and it started to become my favorite time of the week.  

The sprit they brought into my home was like a light in a storm.  They became amazing friends and I love both of them like crazy.  When they first started to come I dug in my heals and told them that while I believed in God I had no desire to go back to church.  I didn’t tell anyone about their visits, mostly because I didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up.   Then one night I had a dream, one that felt so real and so personal.  It was me and my friend John sitting down, he told me how there was so much he wish he could tell me and then he hugged me.  I woke up crying and begging him to come back.  Even writing this I can’t help but cry.  After that my heart softened.  I called John’s mom and told her everything that was happening. 

(Lisa, John's mom sent me this, I will treasure it forever!)

I started to read the Book of Mormon again and even got up enough courage to attend the first part of church with the sisters.  I was embraced right away by so many amazing people.  A new bishop had also just been put in and I loved everything about him.   Slowly I started to tell my family and found out that many of them had been having strong feelings of reaching out to me.  My dad was the first one I told, I told him after him and he had stopped by with a book for me to read about Christ and the Atonement.  After that I don’t remember the order in which I told people.  

When I told my Mom she had been having strong feelings to give me a book on the LDS temples but had worried about pushing me away.  My sister had sent me an email about what she had been feeling even though she was sure I would never talk to her again.  Even though my heart was changing and I felt myself changing as well I still wasn’t sure if I would ever be the temple going type Mormon.  It is crazy how things change.  

The more I started to study and read and go to church the more my spirit thirst for it.  

In April 2015 I received a temporary temple recommend that allowed me to go and do baptisms.  I had a few of my family member s and good friends join me.  My dad did the baptisms and I can't even put into words what that moment meant to me.  it is a day I will never forget.

In December I went again and  my mom brought a stack of family names and my step-dad did the baptisms.  The sprit was so strong and the peace that filled my heart was amazing.

It wasn’t until almost a year later that I felt ready to take the next step and not only say I am a member of the LDS church but to also have a burning desire to go through the temple.  On March 19^th, surrounded by family and close friends, I went through the Boise Temple.  

It was an amazing experience, one I truly never thought I would do or one that I never thought I would ever want to do.   The feeling of love and peace was almost overwhelming.  Now I can’t wait to go back!  My friend John’s parents drove all the way from Portland, OR and I am sure John was there as well!  

My Grandma drove here and back to Pocatello all in one day just to be there.  

I had friends from come from Burley.  

My old high school best friend and her husband drove down from Cascade.  

One of my officers and close friend made it a point to be there as well as someone I use to work with who I just love.  

One of the sister missionaries flew in all the way from Hawaii!  

People from my ward who are now close friends.

My best friend who has loved me no matter what was right there by my side.  

And family members who have loved me no matter what.  

I am beyond blessed to have so many amazing people in my life!!  This doesn't include all the text messages and phone calls of love and support I received as well.  

Before the temple there were still plenty of people who had no idea I had started to go back to church.  It was like coming out of a closet for me.  I was so afraid of what people might think of me because of how against church I use to be.  I was terrified of loosing friends.  I was worried about being judge. I am not afraid anymore.  Even as I write this I know people are going to read this and be surprised.  I may still lose friends or have people look down on me.  But I am so happy now and I hope they see that!   I am just filled with peace and my heart is overfilling with gratitude and love.   I am still learning and growing and have a long ways to go but then again who doesn’t.