Love

Valentine ’s Day was yesterday and it left me pondering love and the single life.  This year marks 5 years that I have been divorced (D-day was 8/18/11).   Ironically 5 years to the date was how long I was married to my ex.  It is crazy to think that soon I will be divorced just as long as I was married.  Looking back I am not the girl I was 5 years ago, let alone 10 years ago!

 

So what is it like to be single and in your 30’s?  It is night and day from what it was like to be single in my 20’s.  Everyone who is single is single for one reason or another and we each have our own baggage that comes with that.  Ever since I could talk I was a flirt and never had problems with the boys.  From second grade on I could tell you who my “boyfriends” were.  In high school I was sure that I would marry either my high school sweetheart or my lifelong friend John and have 4 kids before I was 30.  Before I knew it, John had cancer and passed away and my high school sweetheart came home from his mission and suddenly I wasn’t the one for him.  I meet and married my ex despite all the warnings that were screaming at me that he was a cheater who would never change his cheating ways.  To be honest I thought he was the best I was going to get and so I pushed through the warnings and hoped for the best.  We tried for years to have a baby with no luck while everyone around seemed to be starting their families.  I went from being in good shape to being a blimp.  Before I was married I was a strong confident girl, after the marriage ended I was lost and miserable.  The first few years of my single life I was just trying to put the pieces of my life back together and figure out who I was.  Despite that, I did develop feelings for a close friend, but in the end he only thought of me as a friend and nothing more.   While the rejection hurt, it was the first flicker of hope that not only could my heart love again but that it was something I still wanted and believed in.  

 

My biggest frustrating with being single is how people act like I am not doing enough to find my Prince Charming.  Everyone has an option of what I should be doing or will ask me if I have tried this or that.  I promising you that I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself (well 99% of the time).  I am not waiting for the perfect man to be magically dropped off at my door step so we could live happily ever after (even though that would be nice!).  But I am also not going to jump into bed with someone and have flings that wont last or one nightstands just for "fun".  I am not going to date just to find a quick hookup so I can be with someone, anyone.  I am dating to find my better half, I am dating to find the person I want to spend my life with.  This is so different then how the world likes to view dating. 

In the last 2 years or so I have tried popular dating websites such as Match, EHarmony, and LDS Singles, (which I might add those websites are not that cheap).  I did what all the exports on the websites say to do, and while I did have some connections, all of them fizzled out quickly.   I have gone on blind dates, singles activities and joined single groups on Facebook.   I go out with single guy friends and have taken advice from those who have given it to me.  No luck.  I have watched other friends I know date and get married, but for one reason or other I have stayed single.  Not going to lie, it can take a bite out of your self-esteem.   I know I am overweight and am kind of plain to look at but I am much more than my looks, so much more! 

I do believe in love with all my heart.  I know that the guy I am supposed to be with is out there, and that knowledge fills my heart with hope and excitement for the future.   I have more faith now more than ever in the Lords timing and know marriages and families are part of his plan. 

I don’t know what his plan is for me but I have a feeling is going to be amazing!  The things I wanted in a spouse is drastically different then I when I was first divorced.  The things I want for myself are drastically different as well and I am well on my way to becoming the person I want to be.  I am so excited for the future! 

I have a feeling so many good things are in store for me.  Right now I am enjoying life and will continue to improve who I am so when Mr Right shows up I will be ready!